Blogger Backgrounds

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Today Is Christophers Angelversary

It's been 36 years since my firstborn was born and went to be with Jesus.
This song still makes me choke up when I hear it. Its beautiful
I don't know that you ever get over the loss of a child.

Last year I was blessed to have my story published to Faces of Loss , Faces of Hope

Mom to Christopher
He got his wings September 6, 1975 after 8 hours and 13 minutes
Wellington, OH
This is my story…35 years ago. I want all the girls to know I am so sorry for the pain they are going through. This is such a rough journey. My heart is with you.

After 35 years I still remember everything like it was yesterday. At 52 years old it was by far the saddest day of my life. I had been to several monthly appointments.

All seemed to be well. I never had an ultrasound, they didn’t do them 35 years ago unless they felt something was wrong.
I went to bed on the night of Sept 5th, 1975 feeling fine. And I woke up in bad pain.
My husband took me right to the hospital.

When they confirmed I was in labor and there was nothing they could do to stop it, all I could do was cry. A nurse told me to try not to worry that she felt the baby was close to 5 pounds. I had very irregular periods so they were not even sure how far along I was. Fast forward through all the pain and sorrow I felt knowing my baby wouldn’t live. The cart was rolling down the hall to deliver. They put me to sleep. That’s what they did back then most of the time.

When I was just starting to wake up. I remember my Dr saying “Debbie you had a son, but he’s in very bad shape.” He had a rough birth and was born face first. I slept again ,I felt so guilty about that later, but it was the meds they used to put me out….and woke up crying in my regular room. My Mom and husband were there both crying. They said he was big (2 pounds 13 oz.) for how far a long he was. But that the Drs all said he was not going to make it.

For hours…My Mom and husband kept watch at the nursery window. They had pulled the curtain closed on the little area they had for baby’s that were sick. They had no NICU. They had no respirator…they had nothing to try to save his life. And he was too bad to transfer to a bigger hospital. The Dr.s felt he was 28 weeks.

Finally they ask me if I wanted to see him. They took me back in a wheelchair. I wasn’t allowed to even touch him :( I was with him maybe 5 minutes. He was beautiful. I have never cried so hard in my life when I realized he only breathed a few times while I was there. After 8 hours and 13 minutes his heart stopped beating.
I knew the minute my Mom and husband walked in the room.

They would not let me out of the hospital to go to his funeral. I never got to see…touch or hold him. I never got footprints…pics…NOTHING :( I still wonder why??? He had such a big head of pretty hair that the funeral director didn’t want to put the matching hat from his sweater set on him. They also used just one of his receiving blankets, so I got the matching one to that.

Some one…I don’t remember who, took 4 Polaroid pics of my baby in his casket. I was always…for the first year looking at those pics They are getting awful worn now..And tattered. That’s how I found the baby loss mama blogs….I goggled a place where I could get my baby’s pic done in black and white so I could hang it in a bedroom before its lost to me forever…I read in amazement how Mama’s got memory boxes.. lots of pics and footprints and everything that was worn. And how some of them got the blessings to hold there dying or dead baby. I so wish I had that chance.

35 years has passed…He is still my first baby. I’ve always said I have 4 children.

I went on to have 3 more. The next one being in the NICU the next year for 3 1/2 months. I had him at 29 weeks. He almost died many times too. Praise God I brought him and my girls home.
Yesterday was his birthday….And I am thinking of you still sweet Christopher. And of all the other baby loss mama’s that are just at the beginnings of their journey


  1. I too remember this very sad time that you went through.There can't possibly be anything in this world any more horrific than a mother losing her child. My oldest sister lost her son ( a twin ) to leukemia at age 4. It was just devastating. My heart goes out to you. No one should have to bear the problems you have endured in your life. God Bless you. Love Aunt Linda.

  2. Thanks Aunt Linda, Yes it was a real sad time and yes Debbi, has had a rough time, with all she has gone through. We all hope, that things start, looking up for her.
    ...Debbi's Mom

  3. Debbi,
    My heart is shattered right now and yes, even though we are only new cyber acquaintances, the tears are streaming down my face. I am so very sorry for the hurt you endured so long ago and one that has left a hole in your heart. I am saddened by everything you shared.

    There are things in life that we will feel deeply no matter how much time goes by. Time does NOT heal all wounds. Time just allows us to somehow incorporate our hurt so we may continue to live.

    This is a sad day.


  4. Christopher was just too special for this earth..he belonged with Jesus. I can not understand your pain Mama..but I can tell you this you are the best Mother in the world..Maybe that was you were that much more thankful..maybe its because all of the pain you went through made you strong..but your legacy that nothing is as important as your children carries on..Our Nicholas struggles everyday and I believe he has an angel with him always..His Uncle Christopher helped him with that first breathe and looks after all your grandbabies as he has looked after his brother and sister..Now his Mama..Some things we can never understand but God has his reasons..Someday there will be a little hand reaching for yours..God willing baby Christopher will have to continue to be patient before he can have our Mama.. We all Love you sooo much!!

  5. Oh, Debbi. I am devastated for your loss. I don't imagine that time can ease something like this very much at all. I'm honored that you shared it with us. That song is amazing.

  6. We all wonder why we have these tragic things in our lives,we wonder Why God? why me? We may never understand God's plan for us but He knows what is in store for us each day.You have been through so much in your life but God has been there. We do serve an awsesome God. His blessings out weigh the heartaches by far. God bless you & your Family

  7. Debbi,

    This is such a heartfelt posting. My heart is breaking for you, and your post brought me to tears.

    I am so sorry for your loss.

    A couple of years ago, I lost my nephew Ethan. He was a full-term baby, and suddenly, in the 9th month, doctors couldn't hear a heartbeat. My sister-in-law knew she was delivering her deceased son.

    My brother and his wife were understandably devastated. So was I. It is something no parent should have to go through.

    -- Beth

  8. I'm so sorry for this loss that still leaves you grieving. I have a dear friend who gave birth to a still born baby girl years ago and I will never forget the emotional devastation. I'm sorry you didn't get a chance to touch, hold, photograph or say a proper good bye. He lives on in your heart. Thanks for sharing.

  9. Hi, Debbi. Thanks for leaving a comment on my blog. I am just getting caught up on yours...

    I am so sorry for your loss. It's very sad to read that you were not allowed to hold your precious son. Try not to dwell too much on the sadness. Someone once told me to focus on my blessings. It was good advice.


  10. So heartbreaking. I'm glad you have faith in God. He and His Son have walked me through breast cancer and the recent death of my husband, James. I am so grateful.


I love comments and read them all